Positive Parent Behavior in Sports
There’s no disputing that our children’s experience in youth sports programs has the potential to be not only one of the most fun, but also one of the most meaningful experiences of their lives. Building and developing their attitude, their effort, their response to adversity, and their commitment to being a great teammate - among other things - not only help them find success on the playing field, but in their lives beyond it, too. In his book The Art of Empowering Children, coach and teacher John Graybeal states that sports participation at any level allows children to see the results of their hard work and translate those lessons into other areas of their lives.
As parents, we play an important role in that building and development work. Our involvement in this experience - as teachers, as cheerleaders, and as challengers, among other things - is critical to helping our kids become their best. They won’t reach their full potential without us.
At the same time, our over involvement in this experience can do some serious damage, not only to our kids’ development, but to their enjoyment of the experience and even to the long-term relationship we build with them. Even if we aren’t one of the out of control parents at youth sporting events, crossing even slightly into the territory of overbearing sports parent can quickly turn something meaningful into something miserable.
That, in a nutshell, is the challenge for all of us trying to figure out how to be a good sports parent: we have to be involved, just not too involved. Especially when you consider that every kid, every parent, and every experience is unique, the truth is there really is no one size fits all formula. But there are some simple and effective guidelines that every sports parent who’s committed to getting the most out of this experience should keep in mind. As part of our ongoing sports parent resources series, this article will cover some positive parenting techniques in sports and explain how you can create the most fun, impactful, and rewarding athletic experience for you and your child.
What Are Positive Parenting Practices in Sports?
As a parent, you are the most important influence in the life of your young athlete. Supporting your child in sports by modeling winning behavior yourself and maintaining some perspective throughout this experience sets the right example for your child and increases their level of enjoyment, which of course means they’ll be more likely to continue playing in the future. So what are some examples of positive parent behavior in sports? Here are a few ideas to consider…
Examples of Positive Parenting in Sports
More communication, less emotion…Your commitment to being involved in your child’s experience as an athlete starts with your commitment to communicating regularly, and make sure you do so effectively. Especially as kids get older, they aren’t always forthcoming about the ins and outs of their day-to-day experience, especially the challenges that come with their participation in competitive sports. It’s important for them to know that you are actively engaged in listening to them and supporting them through those challenges. Unfortunately, the effectiveness of our communication suffers when we give our own emotion too much room to run the show. In the competitive, emotional environment sports are played in, we have to make sure that communication isn’t filtered through our judgment, our sarcasm, our disappointment, or our frustration. That’s the quickest and easiest way to discourage your young athlete from letting you in. Here are a few ways to manage that emotion effectively:
Know when the time is right…and when it’s wrong. Like every kid, your child wants you to be interested in the things that matter to them, their sports experience included. They want you to ask about it, listen to them talk about it, and probably offer your own feedback. But we typically choose to talk about their experience when that negative emotion we mentioned already is heightened, like right after the performance is done. In moments like those, it can be easy to mismanage what we say or how we say it, even if our intentions are good. As an alternative, consider finding a regular time to check in with your child that’s void of that emotion. Not only will their defenses be more likely to come down, you’ll be able to communicate with more intention and purpose.
Recognize your role…Another challenge of sports parenting is that doing it effectively requires us to wear many different hats. There are times our kids need us to be their biggest cheerleader - to offer support and encouragement. There are times they need us to be their coach - to challenge them and hold them accountable to the standard we’ve set. And there are times they need us to not say anything at all - to simply be willing to listen, and that’s it. As sports parents, we are called to be cheerleaders and coaches and counselors and fans and guides and leaders. The best sports parents have the awareness to recognize which role is called for when, and the discipline to do what’s best for their child in that moment. The most effective way to do that? Again, by giving our emotion less room to run the show so that intention and purpose can thrive.
Use it all…A core belief of any great sports parent is that every experience has something valuable to teach our kids. Doing anything big and important in this world, including playing the game at a high level, is filled with challenge and adversity. Those moments, while they aren’t usually all that fun, do have the opportunity to be so valuable to your young athlete, if you use them the right way. Great sports parents are committed to helping build their child’s toughness and resilience, and see those difficult moments as a meaningful learning opportunity. They don’t allow themselves to become victimized by the hard stuff, and they don’t allow their kids to do it either.
Champions > Championships
One of the biggest obstacles to creating a fun, impactful, and rewarding experience is the pedestal on which we’ve placed winning in today’s youth sports culture. Now, don’t get me wrong. Winning is a good thing, and wanting to win is a good thing, too. It sure beats the alternative. But when we allow our priorities to get set and our decisions to get made with the winning outcome as our only priority? Then we’ve set ourselves up for trouble.
That’s why I encourage sports parents to prioritize building champions over winning championships. There’s a key difference there that’s worth highlighting. The truth is, it’s entirely possible for your child to win a game and yet to play like a loser, with poor effort, a lack of toughness, and a terrible attitude. At the same time, your child can lose a game and yet play like a champion, with great effort, high-level toughness and a great attitude. If we allow the outcome of the game to be the sole determiner of how our kids performed, then we’ll be sending them a dangerous message. If, on the other hand, we prioritize the process of constantly working to use what happens today - regardless of today’s outcome - to help them get better for tomorrow, then we are putting them in the best possible position to succeed moving forward.
Examples of Negative Parental Involvement in Sports
Various sports satisfaction surveys reveal that “having fun” is the main reason that most children like to participate in sports. However, these surveys also reveal that often the parents' perception of why their children like to play sports is to “win”. This common disconnect can often cause even well meaning sports parents to behave negatively and prevent their children from gaining a positive sports experience. Here are a few examples of negative parental behavior in sports for you to keep in mind:
Going Overboard with Involvement
Of course we can all come up with some obvious examples of parents living through their child in sports. An angry parent screaming at their child, at the coach, at the referees, or at the opposing team creates an extremely unpleasant and negative environment for everyone involved. While you might not go to those extremes, there are still other ways you can go too far as a sports parent. Here are a few behaviors you should avoid:
Being highly critical of your child’s coach
Becoming more invested in the sport than your child is
Relentlessly pushing your child to do more, even against their will
Punishing your child for losing a game or for a poor performance
As we’ve said, it’s completely normal to experience intense emotions while your child plays sports. Taking that into account, if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or upset, that might be a time to step back, take a deep breath, and recalibrate your priorities instead of giving into your emotions and doing or saying something you’ll regret.
Forcing Your Child to Participate in Sports
Child sports activities are only worthwhile if your child wants to participate. Although this might be difficult for some to accept, some kids may want to step away from a challenging situation, and others may not want to play at all. Especially if you’re a sports love, you may be tempted to force your child to participate. To be fair, there are certainly instances where as a parent, you know some things your child doesn’t know yet, and you shouldn’t be afraid to make a decision they may not like because you know it’s in their best interest.
At the same time, forcing your child to participate against their will can have some really negative long-term consequences, most importantly in your relationship with each other. Once again, it all comes down to balance and perspective. Your child’s participation can be important to you. Just don’t ever let it become more important than their well-being. There’s a passion out there for every child - yours included, whether it’s sports or not - and it’s your job to help them find it. Keep your radar up for warning signs that may indicate your child isn’t excited about playing a particular sport anymore.
How Do You Deal With Disappointment in Sport?
Dealing with disappointment in youth sports is a challenging and regular part of the athletic experience. Just like in real life, how we use those difficult moments determines the meaning and value they possess. Sport can often teach children valuable lessons such as:
Not winning a game doesn’t mean your individual progress is worthless
Sometimes things don’t always work out the way you want them to
One failure doesn’t mean you stop trying
However, there are negative ways to deal with disappointment in youth sports. Dwelling on losses, refusing to accept failure, and refusing to treat mistakes as learning opportunities are all examples of how not to deal with disappointment. We’ll elaborate on some positive ways to detail with your own disappointment – and your child’s – below.
Dealing With Your Child’s Disappointment
Your child will undoubtedly experience tough losses and poor performances as part of their athletic experience, but our perspective on those tough moments determines their value. If those losses and disappointments are treated as lessons instead of disasters, your child can begin to develop a healthy relationship with disappointment. In Jill Prudden’s book "Coaching Girls Basketball Successfully” she explains that in a healthy sports culture, players are expected to express their concerns, hopes, and disappointments to their parents, coaches, and teammates. Pruden found that creating an environment where players can express their disappointment without judgment helps build up the team’s dynamic and form strong bonds. Dealing with disappointment in a supportive team atmosphere allows children to receive and give respectful feedback, helps them develop better communication skills, and gives them better coping skills for future challenges to come.
Dealing With Your Own Disappointment
Some parents believe that expressing disappointment in their child’s poor performance will promote the motivation for improvement. However, a study found that from the child’s perspective, even well-intentioned parental pressure can backfire and may contribute to a child’s lowered enjoyment and motivation. That means in a difficult moment, how you choose to handle your own disappointment is of utmost importance. As a parent, your job is to clarify for your child that failure and disappointment are natural parts of life and what really counts is our response moving forward. How you model winning behavior in the midst of your disappointing moments will have a huge influence on your young athlete, so be mindful and intentional about your response.
How Do You Motivate a Child in Sports? Champions 101 Can Be Your Answer
At Champions 101, our mission is to help you become the best sports parent you can be, so you can help keep your young athlete stay motivated to reach their full potential. Our blueprint is simple:
Keep it fun
Maintain your perspective
Act and make decisions with intention and purpose
Our online training program contains a library of courses and resources designed to help parents navigate the unique challenges that come with this important responsibility. Champions 101 will help you:
Find the joy, value, and the purpose in youth sports
Help your child reach their full potential as an athlete
Prepare your child for real, authentic success in life beyond the game
Avoid the most common traps of sports parenting
Have more fun and find more meaning in the youth sports experience
I’d love to help you create a fun, meaningful sports experience you and your child can be proud of. Learn more about what Champions 101 has to offer here.