YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
This week I had the opportunity to read my friend Dr. Rob Bell’s new book, I Can’t Wait to Be Patient. It emphasizes the value of embracing the process, the urgency to focus on what really matters, and a simple mantra for success: if you can wait, you can win.
Dr. Rob’s book got me thinking about my own level of patience and the value I’ve put on developing it. What it really revealed is the dysfunctional relationship I have with waiting. Like any dysfunctional relationship, I have a tendency to resent the place waiting has in my life. I dread when it shows up. I really wish I could avoid it altogether, and life’s easier when I just don’t have to deal with it.
Despite my disdain, though, I have to accept that patience is an important ingredient in success. It’s just one of a long list of harsh realities that winning forces us to accept. You could fill in the blank with a number of possible answers. If you can _____, you can win. If you can wait. If you can overcome some adversity. If you can accept feedback. If you can follow through on your commitments. If you can take responsibility. If you can really, truly compete. These are just a few of the many challenges we are required to face on our way to achievement. None of them are easy to accept or embrace. In fact, they are pretty easy to resent, to dread, and to wish you could avoid altogether. It's worth stopping to examine, when you consider what winning requires of you...where have you developed some dysfunctional relationships?
Becoming our best requires us to acknowledge where those relationships exist, uncover why they’re unhealthy, and then figure out how to fix them. When I stopped and evaluated the unwelcome place waiting has in my life, I recognized some common relationship issues…
1) Lack of trust. Every strong relationship is built on a foundation of trust. There’s a level of confidence and belief that comes with believing that together, the two of us can get where it is we want to go. When our confidence in that winning outcome diminishes, our performance suffers. Even though waiting to get what we want or any of those other challenges are part of the process, they can feel threatening. We have to stay confident, maintain our belief, and trust that the challenges we’re facing aren’t moving us farther from the outcome we want, but closer to it.
2) Unfair expectations. The more I examined my dysfunctional relationship with waiting, the more I had to accept that I was at fault. I am pretty good at creating some unfair expectations around the place waiting has in my experience. Usually I’m resentful of waiting because I’ve foolishly convinced myself that it won't be part of the story. Or maybe I've imagined that if I do have to wait, then it will be on my terms. But the harsh reality of success is that it rarely exists on our terms. That means that we are responsible for handling the hard stuff, like waiting and struggling and competing and more. The more we avoid preparing for those moments, the more resentful it can make us.
3) Enemies, not allies. Finally, I had to admit that my relationship with waiting is dysfunctional because my first instinct is to see it as my enemy. I dread its arrival and its existence. But Dr. Rob's book helped to clarify that waiting is not in fact my enemy. Usually I can't get the outcome I want without it, so in that way, it's actually my ally. It helps me clarify just how badly I want this thing I’m after. It challenges me to bring my very best to the table, and gives me a chance to prove that I am in fact someone worthy of winning in this area of life. Waiting can make me bitter, or waiting can make me better. The choice is up to me.
There is so much that winning requires from us, and almost none of it is easy, comfortable, or convenient. But it’s true…if we can _____, then we can win. If we can wait. If we can overcome some adversity. If we can accept feedback and follow through on our commitments. If we can take responsibility. If we can really, truly compete. The list goes on and on.
If you’re here today feeling resentful about your relationship with what winning requires from you, I’d challenge you to make amends moving forward. That means trusting that what you’re going through will help you get where it is you want to go. It means accepting that some challenging work will be part of the experience. And it means recognizing that all of it - even and maybe especially the hard stuff - can make you better if you choose. That’s the mindset of a champion, and a formula for winning in any area of life.