Anger Is the Enemy
I've spent many years of my professional life as a coach, and I've learned a lot in that time. I've learned a lot about sports, about kids, and about myself. Some things – I hate to admit – I was pretty slow to learn. In fact, some things I'm still struggling to learn. I do know my slow learning has cost me some valuable opportunities throughout my career, and I know I’d have been a much better young coach if I’d known back then what I know now. One thing I was regretfully slow to learn, but one thing I've come to accept for myself and believe to be true for each of us leading young people today is that when it comes to building champions, anger is the enemy.
As a coach, I spent too much of my time angry. I see that now. If you asked me back then why I was angry so often, I could have easily justified it. I get angry because I’m very competitive, I’d say. I get angry because I have a high expectation for the way my team plays. I get angry because I care. All those things are true of me, and I’m guessing may be true for you, too. Over time, however, I’ve come to realize that my anger rarely made me a better coach. In fact, now looking back, I can see it usually made me worse. If you’re someone working to do this important development work today, it's worth considering the role your anger plays in your experience - and in the experience of those you're leading. It may be doing more harm than good. Here are three specific ways anger is the enemy:
1. Anger is the enemy of intention. Great coaches, parents, and leaders in any field are great in part because they act with intention – they do what they do on purpose. But anger doesn't make us intentional. It makes us emotional and irrational. We choose to do or say things in the heat of an angry moment that don’t make us or our kids better. Instead it usually makes things worse.
When we’re angry, we dramatically increase the odds of saying or doing something we'll regret. We can crush our kids confidence or dismantle their passion for playing in an impulsive moment we may not really even mean. And while it’s easy for us to dismiss a cutting remark that we know just slipped out in an emotional moment, a comment like that can wound our kids more deeply and more permanently than we know.
2. Anger is the enemy of connection. Every interaction we have with our kids either invites them further in to a deeper connection with us or pushes them further away. When we stop and deliberately take the time to listen to our kids, when we encourage them, and when we respond in difficult moments with purpose and intention, we strengthen that connection. Choices like these are rarely easy, especially in the competitive, emotional environment sports are played in, and they're rarely impulsive.
When we allow ourselves to act in the heat of an angry moment, we aren't usually inviting our kids into deeper connection. When we brush them off, when we speak sarcastically, or when we respond to them with resentment, we distance ourselves from their desire to make us part of the experience. Instead of making our relationship a safe and secure place for our kids, it becomes threatening and dangerous, and probably not worth the risk. I can say to my kids, “My door is always open.” But if my anger has made our space someplace they don’t trust, they’ll probably choose to avoid it.
3. Anger is the enemy of education. We have a number of responsibilities as parents, as coaches, and as leaders in the lives of our kids. One of the most important is to teach. Our job is to relentlessly find ways today to help our kids get better for tomorrow – to help them move from where they are to where we know they can go. This development work isn’t quick or easy, but it is the only way our kids can really reach their potential. It’s a process that requires our patience and our persistence.
Our anger, of course, doesn’t encourage either patience or persistence. It encourages us instead to become less developmental and to become more judgmental. It focuses our attention on where our kids are weak instead of how we can use today to make them strong.
Slowly and gradually, over the course of time, I started to see more clearly that my anger wasn't an asset. It wasn't proof of my competitiveness or my high expectation; it was usually proof of my lack of discipline and self-control. It was actually a liability to accomplishing some of my most important goals as a coach and a leader.
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That's a lesson I'm still struggling to learn some days. Don’t get me wrong, a little righteous anger now and then serves a purpose and has its place. But if anger is my default – if it’s my first and/or only response – then I'm probably missing out on some valuable opportunities. I would argue the same is true for you, too. We'd all be more effective leaders if we see the truth it took me so long to accept: that anger is the enemy.