Purpose > Feelings

Each of us as sports parents should recognize that we’ve been called to some important work. Sure, this athletic experience can and should benefit our kids in the here and now. It can and should help them get in shape, have some fun, and hopefully experience the satisfaction that comes with high achievement. But elite sports parenting means recognizing that this whole thing isn’t just about the here and now. It’s also about the future. Sports are a great training ground - the best, perhaps - for preparing and equipping our kids for success in life, in the "there and then" of who they become long after their playing days are done. The impact of the experience shouldn’t end with today; it should benefit our kids forever. That’s the important work - the deeper purpose - that sets the champion sports parent, and the young athletes they're raising, apart.

In order for any of us to fulfill that purpose, we must be thoughtful and intentional. We've got to recognize that there are plenty of characteristics sports can develop in our kids that are directly connected to excellence in any area of life. Passion and effort and toughness are some. A teachable spirit, a sense of selflessness, and a positive attitude are others, to name a few. When we use our child’s playing experience to cultivate these qualities, we are tapping into that deeper purpose: we are building a winner for life.

It should be obvious, really, that this kind of work is meaningful and important. I think most sports parents would agree that it should be a priority – if not the priority – of this whole experience. But sadly, many of us miss out on that deeper purpose that sports can and should provide. Why? Because all too often, unfortunately, we let our feelings get in the way.

The truth is that sometimes when struggle or challenge becomes a part of our child’s experience, our negative emotions can easily get the best of us. In reality, that struggle or challenge presents a great opportunity for us to work on cultivating our child’s toughness and perseverance – things they desperately need in order to become their best.

But seeing our child in a tough spot has a tendency to bring our feelings to the forefront, and in doing so, to push that purpose to the back. Instead of seeing this tough moment as a chance for our child to learn, we usually put our defenses up and go into protection mode. We work hard to shield our kids from the struggle. We make excuses for why it exists, we blame others for what’s happened, and we promote in ourselves and in our kids a victim mentality. Unfortunately, we allow how we feel in the moment to distract us from the opportunity we've been given.

Ironically, in the same way, our positive feelings can get the best of us, too. If we aren’t careful, we can get so caught up in the thrill of winning that we lose focus on what's really important – on developing a winner. Hall of Fame football coach John Madden called winning “a great deodorant.” That means our kids might stink in many of those important areas we are responsible for developing (effort, or toughness, or attitude, for instance), but we allow the spoils of success to mask those shortcomings. Just as our kids can come up short but still compete like champions, our kids can also win a game and yet play like losers. If we allow the thrill of winning to distract us from seeing the truth about their performance, we miss out on an opportunity to hold them to a higher standard of behavior, and help them improve for next time.

So here’s my challenge for you today: intentionally prioritize your purpose ahead of your feelings. Decide before you ever find yourself in a competitive, emotional moment who exactly it is you want to be, and what exactly it is you want to make important. If you wait to decide, and then try to manage your priorities once you’re in the moment, it’ll be harder to keep those priorities in line. And most importantly, don’t allow how you feel – good or bad – to distract you from your deeper purpose, the real reason you’re here: to use this experience to help your child become a champion for life.